~When it comes to ‘self-acceptance,’ there's a question we need to ask ourselves: Are we truly accustomed to being accepted under a society that may not encourage us to fully express ourselves, especially as members of the LGBTQ+ community? There's a boy who secretly dresses in his mother's dress and plays with her makeup, a girl who has a girlfriend but must tell her family they're just friends, folks who grow up unsure of their own sexual identity, and many others who remain silent out of fear of the consequences of being themselves.
~Perhaps this is why many choose not to speak openly, but instead reveal who they really are bit by bit, testing how others will react. Some families embrace their members' true identities gradually as they learn about each other. That's why ‘coming out’ isn't widely discussed or common among Thai people. However, in families with direct and honest communication, coming out can be the key to making it happen.
~The interesting thing is that many people choose to come out to friends before their family members. According to a survey by the Pew Research Center in the United States, 86% of LGBTQ+ individuals come out to close friends, while only 56% disclose their identity to their mothers, and a mere 39% to their parents. The survey suggests that they may not come out to their parents initially due to concerns about how they will react, which doesn't necessarily mean they don't love or trust their parents or anything.
~The common observation after a conversation with members of the LGBTQ+ community is the 'fear' they experience when it comes to coming out to their family members. Once they reveal who they are, they must face the consequences, which could be acceptance or rejection. Reactions from their loved ones vary based on each individual's experiences. Some are familiar with the LGBTQ+ community and understand it well, while others may lack understanding or have biases against it throughout their lives. Therefore, for parents to truly embrace their children's true identities, which often come as a surprise, usually takes time.
~For instance, take ‘Tharinee,’ the mother of ‘Saengfah,’ who joined us for today's interview. She is a loving mother with high hopes for her child and holds progressive views. However, fear still crept in when Saengfah came out as liking women, because Tharinee had previously believed that such feelings were just a passing phase that would eventually fade away.
~"After talking to my mom, I cried because it was sad. I thought my mom would be someone with very open and modern thoughts, but when she saw me, she didn't think it was right." – Saengfah
~‘Mark’ also felt scared when he had to come out because he was suddenly asked about it. Not wanting to lie, his mom, 'Aor,' Mark responded honestly that he was gay. He worried about how his mom would react due to the attitudes towards LGBTQ+ that weren't as welcoming 20 years ago.
~"At that moment, I was afraid that she would abandon me, afraid that she wouldn't love or accept me. Because I'm very close to my parents, I didn't want to disappoint them. We both ended up crying together. My mom said that she always loves me no matter what." – Mark
~Fortunately, after giving more time for their parents to understand diverse sexuality, both Saengfah and Mark were able to share their coming out stories with love. However, not everyone is as fortunate. Some children still choose to remain silent and may ask themselves, "Should I come out to my family?" or "Would it be considered lying if I don't say anything?" The truth is, disclosing our sexual orientation or gender identity is not an obligation, and it's not wrong to keep this to ourselves. Yet, when we are ready to embrace our true selves, the desire to let our loved ones know can be natural, because everyone seeks acceptance from those who matter in their lives. It's almost as essential as food.
~Let's turn to the perspective of parents with LGBTQ+ children. From what we've heard directly, it's clear that they fully accept their children no matter what. For instance, 'Noi,’ the mother of 'Not,’ understood that her child is gay without needing to ask. Regardless of Not's sexual orientation, Noi remains proud of her child, unchanged.
~"I never asked, because no matter what my child is, I will always love him. Once, when Not was 16 years old, I told him that no matter what he is, I accept him, as long as he is a good person." – Noi
~From another perspective, parents also seek acceptance from their children by not concealing or pushing them away. Revealing one's true self to the other person is a way of building trust. Parents who care about their children's feelings often want to understand them fully and respect who they are, even if they didn't fully understand from the beginning. – In today's Thai society, not many people truly understand the LGBTQ+ community, including some LGBTQ+ individuals themselves who might not know every acronym within their own community. However, this isn't necessarily a bad thing; as long as people respect each other, it's enough.
~For some families, parents also need time to adjust because they were raised with different perspectives shaped by the societal norms of their time. However, attitudes can evolve with time. Tharinee mentioned that she needed time to ‘process her thoughts’ when she learned that Saengfah liked women and defined herself as non-binary. She felt she didn't fully grasp Saengfah's identity immediately, but she was glad that Saengfah was clear about who she was without hiding it.
~"We appreciate it when people are true to themselves, when they express themselves. But when it comes to our own children, we need more time to process our thoughts... It's like we feel relieved when our children know themselves and who they truly are." – Tharinee
~One thing I want parents reading this article to consider is that coming out requires a lot of courage for some people. When a child is brave enough to tell you, it means they are ready to speak out. This is a good opportunity to strengthen family relationships by respecting and unconditionally accepting them. Because in the end, your child is still the same person, regardless of their sexual identity or orientation, or whether they identify as asexual. None of this is determined by how you raised your children, as sexual identity and orientation are not choices that can be selected or changed.
~As for children, if your parents' reactions don't meet your expectations, consider your coming out as an act of self-acceptance, which not everyone can achieve. Be proud that you're stepping forward to express yourself. The rest, you can leave to time to work its magic. If love truly exists within the family, they will embrace and accept you effortlessly. And if we can lower our expectations just a bit, we won't have to carry such heavy emotional burdens.
~Ultimately, coming out is a personal journey with no fixed rules. Everyone has the right to speak or not speak, or to communicate in different ways. Some prefer direct communication, while others express themselves through actions, and both approaches are neither right nor wrong. The key is for all of us to respect each other, understand one another, give time, and refrain from judging people. Only then can families embrace each other with unconditional love. At this moment, it's essential to ask ourselves: Have we communicated enough with our loved ones at home today?
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